However, there is a point of diminishing returns, especially in the workplace. Being TOO nice is a problem.
People who are deemed “too nice” may be seen as:
Looking at this list, I’m confident these aren’t words you want associated with your character.
So, where do you draw the line? How do you know when you’ve gone from “nice” to “too nice”? Here are some clues:
You Avoid Confrontation Like the Plague
Being “nice” means letting your colleagues have a bad day without feeling the need to confront every little thing. Sometimes, you gotta just let stuff roll off your back.
Being “too nice” means refusing to address important disagreements, miscommunications and other conflicts in a productive, straightforward manner. Instead, you shy away and hope these things will go away on their own, or you simply hide your feelings (from others and maybe even yourself) in order to keep the peace.
You Never Voice Dissent
Being “nice” means expressing your differing point-of-view in a tactful, respectful way that moves the conversation forward and helps achieve the best solution.
Being “too nice” means suppressing your differing points-of-view and going with the flow even when you feel strongly opposed to what’s going on. Being “too nice” can even put you in sticky ethical territory if you’re not careful.
You Give Credit to Everyone Else & Never Take It
Being “nice” means you share credit when it’s due. You’re generous with praise and vocal when colleagues have helped you achieve success while at the same time you’re able to articulate your own efforts and solicit the recognition you deserve.
Being “too nice” means giving credit to everyone else (or letting them steal it) while downplaying your own contributions. Maybe you think of it as being humble, but really, you’re devaluing yourself and letting others benefit from the fruits of your labor.
You Get Taken Advantage Of
Being “nice” means happily supporting your teammates when needed, while also recognizing your priorities. When it’s warranted, you say “no” in a way that is respectful and confident.
Being “too nice” means always saying “yes” (even at your own peril) and refusing to set appropriate limits for yourself. While it may feel like you’re being helpful, your colleagues are learning to walk all over you.
You Get Bullied
Being “nice” means recognizing that some people are just difficult and you don’t have to be best friends with everyone at work. If someone wants to be a jerk, you assume it will come back to bite them in the end. And if it goes too far, you confront the issue politely and professionally—but forcefully if needed. (Yes, you’re still a “nice” person even if you have to do that!)
Being “too nice” means you make yourself an easy target for bullies. You’re incapable of standing up for yourself so bullies just keep pushing and pushing—and you never push back. Instead, you internalize the frustration and view yourself as a victim.
So what’s the answer? If you’ve accidentally slipped from being “nice” to being “too nice”, how do you pull back a bit?
It starts with recognizing that you don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate the people around you ALL THE TIME. Yes, you want to be easy to work with, but you’re not a punching bag. People will actually respect you more—and even like you more—when you show your backbone. When someone appears “too nice” it can come off as inauthentic too. People start to wonder if you’re secretly harboring murderous fantasies about them! And if you hold things in for too long, you might just explode—or implode.
It’s also about learning to set limits and getting comfortable speaking up even when you’re saying things people don’t necessarily want to hear. It takes a shift of perspective to understand that you can still be nice even in times of conflict. As the saying goes: You can disagree without being disagreeable.
You can also be assertive without being an a$$. It takes time to develop these skills, but it’s well worth it. Your workplace interactions and relationships will improve (for the better!). Plus, you’ll feel more satisfied and more in control of your professional world, and your career will thrive!
Written by Chrissy Scivicque, August 26th, 2013 | 2 Comments »
Back when I worked in banking, as the Assistant Manager of a branch, I wore a mask. No, not literally, you silly goose. After all, banks and masks don’t go well together if you know what I mean…But I hid all the same.
I was hiding behind an image of who I thought I should be, who I thought others wanted me to be. I didn’t show the “real me” because I was scared. Something inside me said I didn’t belong there. If people knew who I was, deep down, they wouldn’t respect me, they wouldn’t trust me, they wouldn’t listen to me.
I was just a kid!! I had no idea what I was doing!! I cried at night when I was alone. I felt overwhelmed and lost and out-of-control. I never balanced my checkbook, I forgot birthdays, I obsessed about boys. Who was I to “manage” anything??
I wasn’t even certain of who the “real me” was…
So I faked it. I pretended to be someone else–someone who had her life together. Someone who didn’t make work personal. Someone who barked orders and never backed down and refused to get close to anyone.
And you know what happened? I became a person I hated.
I thought this was just what people did at work. They acted. They didn’t show themselves because that would be weak. They didn’t make real connections with people because they would never take you seriously again. They never, ever showed their human side.
In my next job, as an executive assistant, I wanted to be the REAL, no-holds-barred CHRISSY. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I wanted to make everyone love me.
Turns out, that too is the wrong way to go.
So, once again, I changed my strategy.
I’ve never claimed to be perfect—not by a long shot—but I’ve learned a thing or two over the years.
I know there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about creating relationships in the workplace. I know there’s a middle ground in there, where you can be authentic and true to yourself without going too far. And where you can be respected and trusted and listened to even if you’re not perfect. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to hide.
You can create real, lasting authentic relationships in the workplace. I’m not talking about “friendships.” There’s a difference. Most people don’t really understand how to do this. And, like me, they end up with an inappropriate amount of distance—they’re too close to or too detached from their colleagues.
If this sounds all too familiar to you, I’d like to invite you to join me for a 4-part webinar series. During these four training sessions, I’m going to teach you the communication strategies and techniques you need to know in order to build and leverage the right kind of professional relationships—the kind that make you feel good about yourself and what you’re doing. The kind that allow others to respect you and, at the same time, enjoy being around you.
The best part? This series is very affordably priced. I know how important this topic is to your personal satisfaction at work and to your career success; I don’t want ANYONE to pass it up because of money issues.
In my work as a career coach, I find there are several helpful resources that very few people take advantage of. Mentorship definitely falls on this list. It’s really a shame. Having a mentor can elevate your professional capabilities exponentially. And—added bonus—mentors are amazing people. When you take the time to develop a strong mentorship relationship, you get access to a wealth of knowledge and experience, but you also end up with a lifelong friend and potential future business partner. In short, there’s no downside.
Of course, if you aren’t familiar with the concept, you may have questions about how it all works. Well, that’s what I’m here for!! Please allow me to offer some insights.
What Exactly Is a Mentor?
A mentor is a more experienced (typically older) professional in your field who offers you career guidance, advice and assistance from a real world point-of-view. Pretty simple, huh?
Why Should I Bother?
As mentioned above, mentorship offers a host of amazing benefits. A good mentor is wise and willing to share his or her knowledge and experiences in order to help you succeed. It’s like having a wonderful trusted ally to go to whenever you’re feeling unsure or in need of support. They can help you set and achieve career goals, make smart business decisions, overcome workplace challenges, learn new skills or simply offer an outside perspective when you’re facing frustrations at work. The benefits are truly endless.
When Should I Get a Mentor?
Mentors are helpful regardless of where you are in your career. Whether you’re fresh out of college or a few years from retirement, there are always others who have “been there, done that” from whom you can learn. So no matter who you are, I always say, “NOW is a great time to start.”
If/when you’re more experienced, you may want to BE a mentor. Please do so!! It’s an incredibly fulfilling experience and I believe that mentors learn just as much as those they assist. But I encourage everyone to also find a mentor of your own. As humans, we’re always learning and evolving, and even the most experienced professional doesn’t know everything.
More than likely, the mentorship relationships of experienced professionals will not look the same as those who are entry-level or mid-career. You may have a mentor who is closer in age and experience—or even someone who is your junior! As long as the person has qualities and knowledge you can learn from, it’s perfectly acceptable.
Who Should Be My Mentor?
This is a big question and I recommend you take some time to think it over carefully. The choice of person makes a big difference in the success of the relationship and, ultimately, in YOUR success. Look for someone you respect professionally and someone who has a career you’d like to emulate. That doesn’t mean you want to follow in their footsteps exactly; you’re just looking for a person who has had success in your field (or even a similar one) and someone who embodies the professional characteristics you’re working to achieve.
Of course, you also need to find someone who is willing to be a mentor, is eager to share knowledge, will be open and honest with you, will have time to dedicate to you (though how much is flexible) and is trustworthy. You’ll be potentially sharing a lot of sensitive information so this last point is essential.
Lastly, I recommend that you look for someone you like on a personal level, not just a professional one. You should look forward to spending time with your mentor. The conversations should be pleasant, engaging and inspiring.
How Does the Mentorship Relationship Work?
Establish specifics around your relationship in whatever way works best for both you and your mentor. It can be a formal arrangement, an informal one or something in the middle. No matter what, it has to work for both of you. To get started, I recommend that you, as the mentee, come up with your “ideal” relationship. Share the information with your mentor and make sure you leave it open for discussion. Find out how much time they are willing to invest and build a schedule based on that.
For example, my first mentorship relationship was rather informal. My mentor and I would meet via phone about once a month (usually for an hour) and in between these conversations, we would communicate via email. I would send work to him when I needed a quick critique. He would send me links of articles to read when he stumbled upon something I might learn from. When I was facing a challenge, I’d check in with him for a little guidance and reassurance that I was doing the right thing. A few times a year, he’d send me a book in the mail. It was an easy relationship for both of us to keep up with, but I got tremendous benefit from it.
The key to success is simply defining the relationship from the beginning. Make it an open dialogue. Ask for what you want and need from your mentor, be willing to compromise, and listen closely to make sure there is agreement. Be sure to clarify your expectations (specifically around things like confidentiality). You don’t want there to be any confusion.
Lastly, let your mentor know that you see this as an ongoing process. If, at any time, the relationship isn’t working for either one of you, the details can and should be reviewed and revised. This doesn’t have to be stressful like a contract negotiation. Remember, it’s supposed to be a fun, growth experience!
What’s In It For Them?
You’re probably reading all of this thinking, “I get why I should want a mentor. But what’s in it for the them?” Good question. And the answer is different for everyone.
Some mentors simply believe in the person they are helping and want to see him or her succeed, and that alone is worth the time and energy. Others look at mentorship as a way of leaving a legacy. As a mentor, you get to pass your wisdom down to the next generation. You have the power to make a huge difference in your industry, your company and even the world.
In truth, some mentors just like the challenge. They like to talk about what they know and their experiences. It’s fun when someone looks up to you. It kind of feeds the ego.
So there are all kinds of reasons mentors do what they do. It’s a win-win situation.
I hope I’ve inspired you to start a mentorship relationship today. And if I failed to address an important question, please post it in the comments below. I’ll be happy to continue chatting about this!!
Written by Chrissy Scivicque, June 06th, 2011 | 2 Comments »
A little while back, I wrote an article called How to Work For (or With) a Perfectionist. And it got me thinking…I could probably write a whole series of these. I could substitute perfectionist for almost anything: control freak, micro-manager, procrastinator…the list could be endless.
We’re surrounded by flawed individuals in everything we do. That’s what it is to be human. Working with humans requires patience. It’s an art form, you might say.
Here are a few helpful hints I’ve discovered in my time on Earth.
Let It Go
People are, by nature, imperfect. It’s not something they do intentionally and it’s not personal. Spend a significant amount of time with anyone and, sooner or later, the faulty wiring will show. Don’t dwell on it. This person isn’t just trying to get under your skin, no matter how it might feel.
Every human being is completely unique. And yet, they are all so inescapably HUMAN. You’ll never find a workplace that isn’t full of them, so get used to it. The stuff you deal with on a daily basis happens all over the world. It’s the unavoidable reality of life on Earth.
Know What You Control
The most wonderful—and most irritating—thing about humans is that they don’t come with any kind of control panel. You can’t punch in a code and make them behave in a certain way. The only one you can control is you. Take advantage of it. Don’t relinquish that control to someone else. If your boss is having a bad day, it’s his issue, not yours. You can’t control his mood and his mood doesn’t have to control you. That’s the beauty of free will.
Remember Your Own Humanity
It’s easy to point the finger at others. But we’re all in the same boat, my friend. Right now, a co-worker of yours is reading this thinking about all of your imperfections. That’s cool. You’re human. You’re allowed to be flawed. There’s no manufacturer’s guarantee on your back. And, in fact, those are the things that make you beautiful. If we were all the same, the workplace would be incredibly boring. Life as a human—and with humans—is full of surprises and frustrations. But I assure you, it’s better than the alternative.